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Anxiety is a hell of a drug....

From the title it’s apparent the direction of this conversation, it’s about the anxiety or anxieties that I have and how I feel about having it. They say the first step is admitting that you have a problem so I am here to say that I have really bad anxiety, hypochondria to be exact. I feel like this started 2 years ago when I developed Cervical Radiculopathy after a gym accident (which is why form and function is super important while working out). Cervical Radiculopathy is when the nerve is pinched in the neck, in my case the nerve is a sensory nerve so I constantly feel sensations down the left side of my upper body primarily. When it first happened the sensation that I felt was so new to me that I thought that my left arm was going numb and I was having a heart attack. I’ve gone to get an X-Ray and they didn’t see a herniated disk or adjustment in my spine. Anyhow, I feel like I put my wife through a lot of unnecessary stress with this anxiety and I feel like I am pushing these anxieties onto her. I honestly just want to get passed this, I started meditating after my recent hospital visit because I wanted it to help with my blood pressure but honestly I am starting to think I needed relief from the anxiety I feel.

The muscles in my collar flair up often and I believe that the reason for these flair ups is my anxiety more than anything, because when my mind is clear and I am not focused on health nothing happens. So the anxiety aggravates and pushes down on my sensory nerve causing me to feel tingling and all types of other feelings. The smallest pain, I jump on google and start to look up the symptoms to see if what I am feeling is life threatening. Something new since going to the hospital that I started doing was constantly checking my pulse and counting my BPMs to make sure that my heart rate is in check, it’s super draining. I feel as though I am imprisoning myself inside a constant bubble of stagnation because I started to get anxiety about change in my life and to be honest I would just like all of it to go away. All i want to do is truly life the best life I can free of the anxieties that I feel, I’ve boxed myself into this life that I’ve created for myself.

All in all I love my life, GOD, my wife and my family and it’s super important that I grab this by the horns and subdue it. When I look into the mirror and look at my reflection I look so rundown like life literally beat me into submission. This is just a glimpse of my internal struggles that I don’t outwardly express but contributes to a lot of my behavior, it’s a journey to change and I am on that road less traveled.

Thank you for listening